Karter's Birth Story

On Monday January 11, 2010 we arrived at the hospital just before 7am for my scheduled induction. I went to Labor and Delivery and they got me set up in my room with all the monitors and such on and told me Dr. Rapaport would be in soon to check on me. My nurse Colleen was very friendly, and we hit it off right away!
At 7:45 Dr. Rapaport came in to check me and said I was a good 3-4 cm dilated. At that time, he broke my water. It was such a weird feeling... I almost felt like I was peeing myself! He told me then that if I was planning on having an epidural, that I should get my IV put in soon. The first time the nurse tried to put the IV in, resulted in a blown vein, and since I'm not a fan of needles, she asked another nurse to come in and try to put the IV in. The second try worked just fine...although it was a little more painful.
The nurse then told me I could get up and walk, which I did for a little while, but it was only Jake and I at the hospital at that time, and he wasn't feeling very well, so he wanted to go back to the room and sit down but he didn't want me to walk by myself, so we both went back, and I just got back in bed and watched tv for a while.
At 11am, the Nurse talked to the Dr. and he decided that since breaking my water had done little to speed up or intensify my contractions that I needed to be started on the Pitocin. It took less than an hour and 2 upped dosages to get the contractions so intense that I was ready for the Epidural. During that time, I had been up sitting in the recliner, just relaxing and watching Ellen and chatting with my nurse. I called my mom and told her that she could start heading to the hospital.
I tried to hold off on the Epi for as long as I could, but I finally asked at about 12:15 if I could get the Epidural, and the nurse checked me and said that I was a "full 4 centimeters dilated" so yes I could get the Epi. She went to call the Anesthesiologist, and I waited and tried to breath through some VERY intense contractions. I tried to stay relaxed, but they were so painful, that my body just wanted to tense up every time I felt one coming on! When she came back in my room, she had me get back in bed so I would already be there for the Epi. The Anesthesiologist came in about 12:30 and by 12:40 I had my Epidural in and I was feeling NO pain! It wasn't easy getting the Epi in though because my vertibrae are "tight". The first try didn't work, so he had to move up a bit farther on my back to try again. When all was said and done, I told the anesthesiologist I loved him, and I told everyone else that "the epidural guy is a god". It was such a weird feeling having the Epidural for quite a while (much different than labor with Chase) before time to push, because my legs felt so heavy!
She continued to up the Pitocin every 30 minutes and I could feel the contractions coming and going, but they didn't hurt.. it was just pressure.
At 2:45pm, the nurse checked me again and I was 6cm dilated. She was supposed to be done at 3, but the nurse taking over was in a meeting with the Head OB nurse, so Colleen stayed on til 4, when Lisa came in and took over.
At 4:30pm, Dr. Rappaport called and wanted to know what kind of progress I was making, so Lisa checked me and I was 9 and 1/2 cm, and still feeling NO PAIN!! She told me that we would be pushing soon and that the Dr. was on his way over from the office.
At 5pm, I started to push. They kept saying that they could see his head and told me that he had a ton of hair. Lisa didn't think it would take too much pushing for him to be delivered, but after an hour, I was almost ready to give up! I just kept trying to focus on getting him out, and at 6:18pm My beautiful baby Karter Jacob weighing in at 7lb 12oz and 20.5 inches long was finally born! Jake gave my mom the Honor of cutting the cord (since he had done it with Chase). Welcome to the World Karter! We are so blessed to have you!

Almost time!!!

Well, so much has happened since last time I wrote! The last time I wrote, we had just found out we were expecting but hadn't told anyone yet. This time I'm getting ready to deliver this beautiful baby! I've got a lot of catching up to do!
Here is a semi time line of events as written in my pregnancy journal (which once again I didn't keep up with)
5-19-2009: Took first pregnancy test.. I felt the results were inconclusive.. (maybe I was in shock and disbelief) The + was there, but it didn't look like it was supposed to.. one line was darker than the other

5-20-2009: Took a second test... this was a 1 line your not, 2 lines you are kind of test... There were definitely 2 lines on this one!
I was so scared!!! Scared something was going to go wrong, and I was going to lose this baby too, just like I had done 6 months prior!

6-3-2009: I had my first prenatal appointment, and to my surprise, the nurse calculated that according to my last menstrual period, I was 10 weeks pregnant already!!! I was scheduled for an ultrasound on June 26, but since the nurse felt I was farther along then we thought, we had better move the appointment up to June 9. They gave me an estimated Due date of December 30, 2009. I had been having Evening sickness instead of Morning sickness and even laying in bed at night made me nauseas! I knew that being sick was a good sign of a healthy pregnancy, but I was still nervous and worried about this baby!

6-9-2009: Today we had the first Ultrasound! Everything looked fine and we got to see the baby's heartbeat. According to gestational size, my due date has been pushed back to January 12, 2010.
Seeing the baby's heartbeat took a huge weight off my chest! I still worry, but not near as much as I have up to this point! We also told the family today that we are pregnant!

6-18-2009: Today marks 10 Weeks 2 Days! I'm still getting sick, and it's far worse in the evening than it is at any time during the day! Work really tires me out and when I get home, I'm ready for a nap. I still worry every day about the health of the baby, but I have faith that God will see us through to a healthy baby in 6 and 1/2 months. I've been taking pictures of my belly on Friday of every week for the last couple weeks and as long as I don't forget I'll take one tomorrow too.

6-30-2009: I haven't been sick the last day or 2, just a little queasy. I'm feeling a lot better. Today marks 12 weeks, so that's probably why the nausea is getting better. I'm starting to get excited! I can't wait til we have out next ultrasound. I really wasnt to find out if the baby is a boy or girl. I really would like to have a girl this time, but all that really matters in that we have a healthy baby! Thank you Jesus for giving us this precious gift!

7-3-2009: I've been feeling so much better the past couple days. I'm 12 weeks 3 Days now, and it is normal to start feeling less sick, but it still kind of worries me, (since the morning sickness went away when I lost our Angel baby). I'm trying to stay calm and relaxed, but sometimes it is difficult. I'm still praying and so thankful that God has blessed us with this baby! Thank you Jesus!!

7-10-2009: I had another Dr appointment today and we got to listen to the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. The heartrate was 148, that is slower than Chases was, and I wonder if this indicates we are having another boy?? It really does not matter, as long as this baby is healthy. I think I felt the baby move today! It was a distinct little flutter as I was standing in front of the counter in Jeremy and Jen's kitchen helping get dinner ready. I only felt it once, but I'm pretty sure it was the baby!

7-13-2009: Now at 13Weeks 6 Days, I'm feeling better. I officially start my Second Trimester tomorrow! I love my Miracle baby!

7-16-2009: Today I scheduled my ultrasound appointment! It is August 21, at 11AM. I'm excited to find out the sex of the baby, only 5 weeks to go! I would prefer a girl, but it doesn't matter, as long as it's a healthy baby! I saw the cutest onesie yesterday... It was pink and purple and said "if the tiara fits..." I thought that would be so fitting for a little girl of mine, considering I'm such a princess!

7-29-2009: I've been kind of paranoid and a little depressed lately... I'm feeling better today though. I've been worried that something will go wrong. I dreamed last night that we are having a girl.. I have crazy dreams most nights. I actally look forward to having the crazy dreams! I felt the baby move more today too. This time I'm absolutely sure what I felt! I got my hair cut a few days ago. I got about 8 inches off of it and got it layered. It looks really good now! Jake wasn't too thrilled (he never is when I cut my hair) but it will be easier to take care of once I have the baby.

8-22-2009:
We had the BIG ultrasond yesterday. It was so exciting to see our little miracle in there healthy and growing exactly on target! We are pleased to announce that we are having a BOY!!!! I'm so relieved that everything is perfect. He is handsome just like his daddy! Chase is SO excited about being a big brother and really thrilled that we are having a boy instead of a girl! The ultrasound was awesome!! We got to see our little man in 4D!!! They also gave us lots of pictures of him.. 14 to be exact! Now the task will be coming up with a name for this little guy! Chase just wants to call him Captain Jack Sparrow, and although it's a cool name, I don't think that will go with our last name very well..

8-25-2009: Chase wanted to write a letter to his brother in my journal... it reads:
Dear Baby Brother,
I love you!
Love,
Your Big Brother Chase

8-25-2009: I'm frustrated Jake and I can't agree on a name.. 20 Weeks today! Halfway to holding my newest baby boy in my arms!!! I can't wait to meet him, to kiss his sweet head, face, hands, all of him!!! I'm having a blast feeling our littl guy kicking so much! He actually woke me up with his kicks this morning. It was a much better wakeup call than an alarm!

9-3-2009: I'm past the halfway point in this pregnancy now. I'm so excited and can't wait to meet my little guyI still feel in awe sometimes, even as my belly grows and my feet swell (along with my hands), I still find it hard to believe that I have been blessed again! I am so thankful to have this opportunity to carry and eventually raise another child. God has truly blessed me! Chase is getting very excited too! He often wants to look at "stuff for our baby". Then he proceeds to tell anyone who will listen how to use said products. I find it sweet that he is so interested and wants to be so involved. I'm also glad we have chosen to let him be such an important part of this process of growing OUR family. We want him to know that he is just as important to our family as his baby brother. I just don't want him to ever feel left out. He is going to be a wonderful big brother and we are so blessed to have him!

So I have slacked and not even written in my pregnancy journal since September... A lot has happened since then. In late October (around 28 weeks) I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, and had to begin watching what I eat (and drink) and had to start testing my sugar 4 times a day! I have been able to pretty much keep my sugar under control through diet alone, which is good. That means I don't have to take insulin shots or any other medication for the diabetes. Thank God! Because of the Gestational Diabetes, I have gone for an Ultrasound every week since week 34. They check to make sure baby isn't getting too big, and they also do a Biophysical Profile, to check on baby's breathing and muscle tone as well as the amount of amniotic fluid.

At the 34 week Ultrasound, baby Karter (yes we finally chose a name) was estimated to weigh about 5lb. 7oz.

At the 38 week Ultrasound, they estimated his weight again and he weighed in at 6lb. 10oz. However the ultrasounds can be off by up to 1 lb either way, so he could be bigger or smaller.

Today, I am 39 weeks 5 days. I go in tomorrow morning at 7 am to have labor induced. I'm a little nervous, but so excited!! We can't wait to meet the newest member of our family! God has greatly blessed us, and I couldn't be more thankful!

Questioning Faith

I haven't been blogging lately, and I miss it, sometimes though, I wonder if I have anything to say that anyone would be interested in reading. Tonight, that isn't the case. Actually, it doesn't matter who reads my blog. Mostly, I'm writing it for me.
Tonight I'm dealing with some fears and questioning my faith. I had faith when I was a kid... I have seen miracles happen... Why now, when I'm praying for a miracle for my own life, am I so unsettled? I've been praying, and trying to just give my fears up into God's hands, but Satan is working overtime in this little head of mine.
I've already seen a miracle in that I have conceived again, just 5 months after losing our last baby. (We've never conceived in anything less than 3 years before) Why then, can I not believe that God has his hand upon me and this baby. I mean, I do believe it, I'm just having trouble believing that He is going to let me carry this baby to full term and give birth to a healthy baby. I mean, why should he, I'm a sinner, and not the best Mom in the world. But I have Love to give... LOTS of it, and I'm trying to be a better Christian. I'm by no means perfect. I just have to keep reminding myself that Jesus died on that cross for my sins, and I'm forgiven.
I am scheduled for an Ultrasound on Tuesday...only 4 days away and I'm so anxious and apprehensive about it. I'm afraid there will be no heartbeat in our baby... again! According to calculations, I'm already 10 weeks, which is farther than we made it last time, but I'm still worried. I'm praying for strength and peace about it. I'm trying to have faith... even as a mustard seed, but today, has been a very difficult day.
Why when I have seen so many miracles happen, can I not believe he'd do one for me???

Let him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. 1 Peter 5:7

I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. John 14:27

He tells us right here in these verses that he will take care of things. I know this to be true... Sometimes we just need to be reminded.

By the way, we haven't told any family that we are pregnant yet! Hopefully we'll have good news for them on Tuesday.

Reminiscing

A few weeks ago, while Jake and I were cleaning out our bedroom (it has been a catch all for the last 4 years) He found the pregnancy journal that I not so diligently wrote in when I was pregnant with Chase, just about 5 years ago. I started to read it and decided I'd share some bits and pieces of it with you. And since today is the 5 year anniversary of my positive pregnancy test, I figured what better time to share these things... not to mention Chase is still sleeping, so I can think properly without interruption.
For some reason, I didn't immediately start writing as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but I did start writing about 2 months later.

June 19, 2004
Outside, I hear the voice of a child. I wonder who it is. I also wonder what your voice will sound like, what your cry will sound like. I wonder what kind of things you are going to like doing. Will you like golfing and fishing? Will you enjoy swimming and reading and playing video games and drawing?
Present
Chase does like golfing, and as of yet, we haven't taken him fishing, but we plan to go fishing this summer and his Poppa got him a fishing pole (instead of candy) for Easter, so I'm very much looking forward to teaching him how to cast and reel, and maybe even take the fish off his hook. (so he can do it for Me) He loves swimming and just being in the water in general... even in the bathtub. He also loves Video games and books, and I love reading books to him. He hasn't really gotten into drawing much yet, but he likes to scrapbook with Mommy, so that makes me happy!

Well, Chase is up now, so I must get going, before he turns the house upside down. There will be more reminiscing to come, so stay tuned.

It's been a while!

I haven't written in a while and I have had a lot on my mind lately...
My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I need to try to get them in some kind of order. I had been doing pretty well for a while, feeling like I was healing emotionally from losing the baby, that is until it dawned on me, just how many of my friends are pregnant or just had babies. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of them?? Is it wrong of me to resent their ability to get pregnant or their ability to carry to term and give birth to healthy babies? Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them and nothing makes me happier than seeing those I care about happy, but it hurts.... a lot!

On a happier note though, I had a customer at work mention to me about how happy I always am and that I'm always smiling. He asked how I stayed so happy... First of all I thought.. "I'm good at faking it." Then I thought of a Christian song I 've enjoyed listening to lately... (one that often gets stuck in my head) I can't think of the name of the girl who sings it right now... or even the title because my thoughts are so jumbled, but it says "Do they see Jesus in me, do they recognize your face, do I communicate your love and your grace?" And I thought "do they see Jesus in me?" Do they see that I'm a normal person with problems just like the rest of the world, but I try not to let them get me too far down so that people can still see Jesus in me and see that I am a work in progress, just like everyone else, but I don't let that define who I am as a person. I'm not grumpy or mean to my customers. I always tell them to have a good day, and I honestly DO want them to have a good day. I want them to see what Jesus can do for them, just as he continues to do for me. I am who I am BECAUSE I do have Jesus in me and I am Thankful for Him!

Well, I have to cut this short. Maybe I'll stop procrastinating and write more tomorrow.. I guess it doesn't much matter where my post goes.. My blog is my thoughts, so if no one else understands it, it's no big deal.

My Angel Baby

I haven't gotten to sit down and scrapbook much lately, but last night, I finished a layout I started about 2 and 1/2 months ago. Here it is.
This was a very emotional layout, and as just about anyone would imagine, very difficult to scrap.
The poem on the LO reads:

An Angel once lay beneath my heart,
A promise of life to come;
My little babe, was resting there,
Yet would not follow me home

My tiny, precious angel,
Had plans unknown to all.
For my Angel heard the voice of God,
And hastened to his call .

My Angel flew on fragile wings,
Into the Father's arms
To slumber there in peaceful rest,
Untouched by earthly harms.

So slumber there my pecious child,
Till I can come to you.
I'll keep you here, deep in my heart.
Till my journey on earth is through.

I'm still not sure if I'm completely satisfied with the layout, but I'm calling it finished for now at least. I started this page about 2 weeks after my D&C, and it sat unfinished and untouched until last night. I just couldn't come up with what I wanted to do as far as the angel goes. At first I just wanted some type of Angel embellishment to put somewhere on the page along with the poem. Then I decided I wanted angel wings coming from behind the poem, but when I couldn't find anything like I was looking for (either online or in my Local Scrapbook Store) I decided to print the poem on Vellum and put an angel above it. 2 problems with that idea, The first problem being that I didn't have enough room left on the page for something like that, and the second problem being that I could not find an angel picture that I liked. When I did a google image search, I found a whole bunch of Anime angels and Topless angels, and all kinds of other weird angels. I just couldn't find what I wanted! Then I remembered the E-card my mom had sent me the day we found out about the baby. That was where I got the poem too... why hadn't I thought of it before? In it, was a beautiful image of an angel holding a baby. It was just what I had been looking for!
The day my mom had sent me that E-Card, I was so mad at her. (Not to mention how mad I was at God?) I thought it was very insensitive of her and I hated that she sent it to me, how dare she tell me that my baby was in heaven, the very day that I had lost it! I didn't want my baby in Heaven . I wanted my baby inside me, growing and thriving. But for some reason, I never deleted that Ecard from my inbox. I'm sure God knew that someday, I would be glad to have it and that it would be used as a tool to help me in the healing process. I don't know how many times I have gone back and read that poem and cried my eyes out, missing my baby, thinking about all the things I'll never get to share with Him/Her. So, when I went back to read it once again last night, and I didn't cry my eyes out, I knew God had given me enough peace to finally scrapbook this very important part of my life, just like any other memory.

So, when I sat down last night, and decided to finish this LO, again, I racked my brain trying to decide exactly HOW, I wanted to do it. I knew I wanted an Angel in the LO somewhere and then it dawned on me, I could print on Vellum and have the Angel BEHIND the poem. Since I don't have a photo editing program in my computer, (and I don't really know how to use Photoshop very well) I enlisted Jake's help in removing the background from the angel and placing the of poem over top of it. I enjoyed working on this with my hubby. I feel likle it helped us connect a little more. I had been kind of bitter towards him for a while after we lost the baby. I was upset that it wasn't nearly as hard for him to heal after the loss. I had to heal emotionally, AND physically, and I'm still a work in progress, but, I am so thankful that God has given me a loving and supportive husband, who is knows how important this baby is to me and knows how important it is for me to ceate this Tribute. Even more, I'm Thankful that God has given me some peace about the situation.
Thank You Jesus!
Nearly 4 months after our loss, I still miss that baby, and I do still cry. (I've shed more than a few tears just writing this post) But I'm a much better person for it, and a better Christian. I have gone to God in Prayer, and Thanks so much more in the last 4 months than I have in the past 8 years.
Well, Chase is up now, and my train of thought has derailed.
And before I forget to tell you. Thank you for all the prayers you have been praying on our behalf. They are very much appreciated!

Lord please give me strength

It's been a little while since I blogged last. I'm in a sort of depression, and I'm trying so hard to kick it. The last few weeks, I haven't been able to sleep as well as normal. I've been dreaming a lot of weird dreams lately, which is NOT normal for me. Usually, I don't dream, and if, on that rare occasion I do, I don't remember them anyways. The past week though, I have been dreaming some kind of weirdness almost every night.

I've been trying to get some scrapping done. I have been asked to make another baby album as a gift for a friend. I had no idea how hard it would be to scrap a baby's birth, and all the other milestones in a baby's first year. Being that my own loss was just 3 months ago. I'm really struggling with this one. I thought about duplicating some of the LO's I did for the first baby album I made, but the Mom's are cousins and I want each of them to have a book tailored more towards each one of them.

On the subject of babies, I was to the Doctor last Friday to discuss our fertility options. As soon as Aunt Flo makes her visit this month, I have to go back and have an ultrasound to make sure I don't have any ovarian cysts or anything, and I have to have blood work done to check some hormone levels. I will then start Clomid to make me ovulate. After that, hopefully I can come back here in a couple months and tell you I'm pregnant. I'm not holding my breath though. I don't know how much more dissapointment I can handle. I'm so thankful that I have Jesus to get me through. If not for Him, I don't know where I'd be now.

On a random note, I'm getting my hair permed today. I'm excited! I haven't had a perm since right before Chase turned a year old. He's 4 now! My hair is sooo long now (more than halfway down my back) so it should look really nice and not be too curly just because of how heavy my hair is. I'm just getting tired of the straightness of it and I decided it was time for a change.

Please continue to pray for my family and I. Ask God to give me strength to get this album done, and ask him also to give us strength through the ups and downs of the stressfull process of fertilty treatments.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13