Thursday, March 26, 2009

It's been a while!

I haven't written in a while and I have had a lot on my mind lately...
My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I need to try to get them in some kind of order. I had been doing pretty well for a while, feeling like I was healing emotionally from losing the baby, that is until it dawned on me, just how many of my friends are pregnant or just had babies. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of them?? Is it wrong of me to resent their ability to get pregnant or their ability to carry to term and give birth to healthy babies? Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them and nothing makes me happier than seeing those I care about happy, but it hurts.... a lot!

On a happier note though, I had a customer at work mention to me about how happy I always am and that I'm always smiling. He asked how I stayed so happy... First of all I thought.. "I'm good at faking it." Then I thought of a Christian song I 've enjoyed listening to lately... (one that often gets stuck in my head) I can't think of the name of the girl who sings it right now... or even the title because my thoughts are so jumbled, but it says "Do they see Jesus in me, do they recognize your face, do I communicate your love and your grace?" And I thought "do they see Jesus in me?" Do they see that I'm a normal person with problems just like the rest of the world, but I try not to let them get me too far down so that people can still see Jesus in me and see that I am a work in progress, just like everyone else, but I don't let that define who I am as a person. I'm not grumpy or mean to my customers. I always tell them to have a good day, and I honestly DO want them to have a good day. I want them to see what Jesus can do for them, just as he continues to do for me. I am who I am BECAUSE I do have Jesus in me and I am Thankful for Him!
Well, I have to cut this short. Maybe I'll stop procrastinating and write more tomorrow.. I guess it doesn't much matter where my post goes.. My blog is my thoughts, so if no one else understands it, it's no big deal.