Friday, June 5, 2009

Questioning Faith

I haven't been blogging lately, and I miss it, sometimes though, I wonder if I have anything to say that anyone would be interested in reading. Tonight, that isn't the case. Actually, it doesn't matter who reads my blog. Mostly, I'm writing it for me.
Tonight I'm dealing with some fears and questioning my faith. I had faith when I was a kid... I have seen miracles happen... Why now, when I'm praying for a miracle for my own life, am I so unsettled? I've been praying, and trying to just give my fears up into God's hands, but Satan is working overtime in this little head of mine.
I've already seen a miracle in that I have conceived again, just 5 months after losing our last baby. (We've never conceived in anything less than 3 years before) Why then, can I not believe that God has his hand upon me and this baby. I mean, I do believe it, I'm just having trouble believing that He is going to let me carry this baby to full term and give birth to a healthy baby. I mean, why should he, I'm a sinner, and not the best Mom in the world. But I have Love to give... LOTS of it, and I'm trying to be a better Christian. I'm by no means perfect. I just have to keep reminding myself that Jesus died on that cross for my sins, and I'm forgiven.
I am scheduled for an Ultrasound on Tuesday...only 4 days away and I'm so anxious and apprehensive about it. I'm afraid there will be no heartbeat in our baby... again! According to calculations, I'm already 10 weeks, which is farther than we made it last time, but I'm still worried. I'm praying for strength and peace about it. I'm trying to have faith... even as a mustard seed, but today, has been a very difficult day.
Why when I have seen so many miracles happen, can I not believe he'd do one for me???

Let him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. 1 Peter 5:7

I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. John 14:27

He tells us right here in these verses that he will take care of things. I know this to be true... Sometimes we just need to be reminded.

By the way, we haven't told any family that we are pregnant yet! Hopefully we'll have good news for them on Tuesday.

Friday, April 17, 2009


A few weeks ago, while Jake and I were cleaning out our bedroom (it has been a catch all for the last 4 years) He found the pregnancy journal that I not so diligently wrote in when I was pregnant with Chase, just about 5 years ago. I started to read it and decided I'd share some bits and pieces of it with you. And since today is the 5 year anniversary of my positive pregnancy test, I figured what better time to share these things... not to mention Chase is still sleeping, so I can think properly without interruption.
For some reason, I didn't immediately start writing as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but I did start writing about 2 months later.

June 19, 2004
Outside, I hear the voice of a child. I wonder who it is. I also wonder what your voice will sound like, what your cry will sound like. I wonder what kind of things you are going to like doing. Will you like golfing and fishing? Will you enjoy swimming and reading and playing video games and drawing?
Chase does like golfing, and as of yet, we haven't taken him fishing, but we plan to go fishing this summer and his Poppa got him a fishing pole (instead of candy) for Easter, so I'm very much looking forward to teaching him how to cast and reel, and maybe even take the fish off his hook. (so he can do it for Me) He loves swimming and just being in the water in general... even in the bathtub. He also loves Video games and books, and I love reading books to him. He hasn't really gotten into drawing much yet, but he likes to scrapbook with Mommy, so that makes me happy!

Well, Chase is up now, so I must get going, before he turns the house upside down. There will be more reminiscing to come, so stay tuned.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

It's been a while!

I haven't written in a while and I have had a lot on my mind lately...
My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I need to try to get them in some kind of order. I had been doing pretty well for a while, feeling like I was healing emotionally from losing the baby, that is until it dawned on me, just how many of my friends are pregnant or just had babies. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of them?? Is it wrong of me to resent their ability to get pregnant or their ability to carry to term and give birth to healthy babies? Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them and nothing makes me happier than seeing those I care about happy, but it hurts.... a lot!

On a happier note though, I had a customer at work mention to me about how happy I always am and that I'm always smiling. He asked how I stayed so happy... First of all I thought.. "I'm good at faking it." Then I thought of a Christian song I 've enjoyed listening to lately... (one that often gets stuck in my head) I can't think of the name of the girl who sings it right now... or even the title because my thoughts are so jumbled, but it says "Do they see Jesus in me, do they recognize your face, do I communicate your love and your grace?" And I thought "do they see Jesus in me?" Do they see that I'm a normal person with problems just like the rest of the world, but I try not to let them get me too far down so that people can still see Jesus in me and see that I am a work in progress, just like everyone else, but I don't let that define who I am as a person. I'm not grumpy or mean to my customers. I always tell them to have a good day, and I honestly DO want them to have a good day. I want them to see what Jesus can do for them, just as he continues to do for me. I am who I am BECAUSE I do have Jesus in me and I am Thankful for Him!
Well, I have to cut this short. Maybe I'll stop procrastinating and write more tomorrow.. I guess it doesn't much matter where my post goes.. My blog is my thoughts, so if no one else understands it, it's no big deal.

Friday, February 27, 2009

My Angel Baby

I haven't gotten to sit down and scrapbook much lately, but last night, I finished a layout I started about 2 and 1/2 months ago. Here it is.
This was a very emotional layout, and as just about anyone would imagine, very difficult to scrap.
The poem on the LO reads:

An Angel once lay beneath my heart,
A promise of life to come;
My little babe, was resting there,
Yet would not follow me home

My tiny, precious angel,
Had plans unknown to all.
For my Angel heard the voice of God,
And hastened to his call .

My Angel flew on fragile wings,
Into the Father's arms
To slumber there in peaceful rest,
Untouched by earthly harms.

So slumber there my pecious child,
Till I can come to you.
I'll keep you here, deep in my heart.
Till my journey on earth is through.

I'm still not sure if I'm completely satisfied with the layout, but I'm calling it finished for now at least. I started this page about 2 weeks after my D&C, and it sat unfinished and untouched until last night. I just couldn't come up with what I wanted to do as far as the angel goes. At first I just wanted some type of Angel embellishment to put somewhere on the page along with the poem. Then I decided I wanted angel wings coming from behind the poem, but when I couldn't find anything like I was looking for (either online or in my Local Scrapbook Store) I decided to print the poem on Vellum and put an angel above it. 2 problems with that idea, The first problem being that I didn't have enough room left on the page for something like that, and the second problem being that I could not find an angel picture that I liked. When I did a google image search, I found a whole bunch of Anime angels and Topless angels, and all kinds of other weird angels. I just couldn't find what I wanted! Then I remembered the E-card my mom had sent me the day we found out about the baby. That was where I got the poem too... why hadn't I thought of it before? In it, was a beautiful image of an angel holding a baby. It was just what I had been looking for!
The day my mom had sent me that E-Card, I was so mad at her. (Not to mention how mad I was at God?) I thought it was very insensitive of her and I hated that she sent it to me, how dare she tell me that my baby was in heaven, the very day that I had lost it! I didn't want my baby in Heaven . I wanted my baby inside me, growing and thriving. But for some reason, I never deleted that Ecard from my inbox. I'm sure God knew that someday, I would be glad to have it and that it would be used as a tool to help me in the healing process. I don't know how many times I have gone back and read that poem and cried my eyes out, missing my baby, thinking about all the things I'll never get to share with Him/Her. So, when I went back to read it once again last night, and I didn't cry my eyes out, I knew God had given me enough peace to finally scrapbook this very important part of my life, just like any other memory.

So, when I sat down last night, and decided to finish this LO, again, I racked my brain trying to decide exactly HOW, I wanted to do it. I knew I wanted an Angel in the LO somewhere and then it dawned on me, I could print on Vellum and have the Angel BEHIND the poem. Since I don't have a photo editing program in my computer, (and I don't really know how to use Photoshop very well) I enlisted Jake's help in removing the background from the angel and placing the of poem over top of it. I enjoyed working on this with my hubby. I feel likle it helped us connect a little more. I had been kind of bitter towards him for a while after we lost the baby. I was upset that it wasn't nearly as hard for him to heal after the loss. I had to heal emotionally, AND physically, and I'm still a work in progress, but, I am so thankful that God has given me a loving and supportive husband, who is knows how important this baby is to me and knows how important it is for me to ceate this Tribute. Even more, I'm Thankful that God has given me some peace about the situation.
Thank You Jesus!
Nearly 4 months after our loss, I still miss that baby, and I do still cry. (I've shed more than a few tears just writing this post) But I'm a much better person for it, and a better Christian. I have gone to God in Prayer, and Thanks so much more in the last 4 months than I have in the past 8 years.
Well, Chase is up now, and my train of thought has derailed.
And before I forget to tell you. Thank you for all the prayers you have been praying on our behalf. They are very much appreciated!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Lord please give me strength

It's been a little while since I blogged last. I'm in a sort of depression, and I'm trying so hard to kick it. The last few weeks, I haven't been able to sleep as well as normal. I've been dreaming a lot of weird dreams lately, which is NOT normal for me. Usually, I don't dream, and if, on that rare occasion I do, I don't remember them anyways. The past week though, I have been dreaming some kind of weirdness almost every night.

I've been trying to get some scrapping done. I have been asked to make another baby album as a gift for a friend. I had no idea how hard it would be to scrap a baby's birth, and all the other milestones in a baby's first year. Being that my own loss was just 3 months ago. I'm really struggling with this one. I thought about duplicating some of the LO's I did for the first baby album I made, but the Mom's are cousins and I want each of them to have a book tailored more towards each one of them.

On the subject of babies, I was to the Doctor last Friday to discuss our fertility options. As soon as Aunt Flo makes her visit this month, I have to go back and have an ultrasound to make sure I don't have any ovarian cysts or anything, and I have to have blood work done to check some hormone levels. I will then start Clomid to make me ovulate. After that, hopefully I can come back here in a couple months and tell you I'm pregnant. I'm not holding my breath though. I don't know how much more dissapointment I can handle. I'm so thankful that I have Jesus to get me through. If not for Him, I don't know where I'd be now.

On a random note, I'm getting my hair permed today. I'm excited! I haven't had a perm since right before Chase turned a year old. He's 4 now! My hair is sooo long now (more than halfway down my back) so it should look really nice and not be too curly just because of how heavy my hair is. I'm just getting tired of the straightness of it and I decided it was time for a change.

Please continue to pray for my family and I. Ask God to give me strength to get this album done, and ask him also to give us strength through the ups and downs of the stressfull process of fertilty treatments.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Nearly 3 months later!

As I was emailing a friend last night, I suddenly realized that the day after tomorrow will be 3 months since we got the devastating news that the baby we were so looking forward to, had no heartbeat. I thought I was doing pretty well with getting on with life and looking forward to the future, until that moment! When it dawned on me that yet another annniversary is approaching, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach! My mood instantly fell. I've been kind of depressed lately anyways. I think part of it has to do with this winter seeming so long, but if I get real with myself instead of kidding myself, I realize that I am in no way "over" this.
I go back to the Doctor tomorrow. We are going to talk about the fertility issues and about the chances of conceiving again and carrying to full term. To be honest... as badly as I want to heal and as badly as I want another baby, I am TERRIFIED!!! I'm terrified that I won't get pregnant again. I'm terrified that I will get pregnant again, and I am beyond terrified that something will go wrong again.
I have had a couple friends who have given birth since I lost the baby and a few more who are pregnant now. It's hard to look at them and not miss the baby that I so recently lost. But at the same time, I remember back to when Chase was but a tiny baby, my how he's grown!
No one knows what the future holds, but I sure do hope that my future has me holding yet another baby of my own. I do know that I'm going to keep praying that God's plan for me is similar to the plan I have for myself, and your prayers would be greatly appreciated too!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

It's been a while since the last time I blogged, but there hasn't been much going on. I've been scrappin, as usual but it is taking me what seems like forever to get the projects done. Once I finally finish them, I am happy with them though. I don't absolutely LOVE anything I've done lately, but we all have those days!
No matter how much stuff I have, I always feel like I don't have the right things.. or the one thing that would make the project great! I guess that's probably a pretty common feeling though.
We are getting ready to leave to go to a friend's house to watch the Super Bowl, so I'll try to write again later or in the next few days.
Go Steelers!!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Many thoughts!

In the last few days, I have been bombarded with thoughts. Many different topics have entered my mind during this time. My faith being the most prominent one. The past few months have been very trying for us as a family, and without God's help, I honestly don't think I would have made it through those times. And I owe a HUGE Thanks to a great friend of mine who has a genuine love for Jesus and is a great witness for Him, who has been talking with me and praying for me. Thank You Candace!
So, I dusted off my bible the other night, after talking to my friend and reading the Blog of someone else who is On Fire for God, and let me tell you, it felt so good to sit and read, and pray and just talk to God. I'm so glad He never gives up on us! I'm especially glad he never gave up on me! When I woke up the next morning, my first though while climbing out of bed was "Thank You Jesus."
I've also been listening to a lot of Contemporary Christian music on this awesome site called All you have to do is go there sign up which only takes a minute and is FREE! Then you can just type in the name of any artist you want to listen to music from, and they have it all! They then create your own personal station based on the artist you typed in. That station only plays music from that artist and others similar to them. I love it! I have been listening to some music that really tugs at my heart strings, and really makes me think!
I'm far from being a "Good Christian" but I'm trying, and praying and asking God to walk with me and lead me to where he wants me to be. The most difficult part is that my husband is Not a Christian. He shuts down when I try to talk to him about God. He's been hurt a lot in life and he doesn't get how or why if this God we talk about is so great, does he let so many suffer in so many ways. For a while, I too was angry and wondered the same things of God. When I lost the baby, just over 2 months ago, I was angry and hurting in a way I can not even describe, and I wondered what I had done to God to make him put me through this. Although, it is still painful at times, I know God didn't let this happen to hurt me. I think He meant it as a learning experience and maybe a wake up call to bring me back to what I know to be right and true, HIM.
Well, I still have so many thoughts in my head that I cannot possibly put together in a way that would make any sense right now, So, I think I'll go for tonight.

Friday, January 16, 2009

And the award goes to...

My blog got it's first award! Thanks to Candace ( my blog received the Honest Scrap award! Now I have to first write ten honest things about myself and then pass this award on to seven people who I think are honest scrappers.

1) I fall asleep almost every time I start to watch a movie!
2) I hate seafood of all kinds... except tuna!
3) I love to sing and think I'm pretty good, but I have horrible stage fright.
4) I was a contestant in the miss Teen ALF pageant when I was 16.
5) I drink Milk from the jug.
6) I have collected Barbies since I was about 14.
7) I feel things very deeply and cry easily.
8) I take Chase to bed with me if Jake is staying up, so I'm not alone.
9) I despise washing Dishes and they almost always pile up till Jake does them.
10) The only thing I have ever been sure I wanted to be when I grew up is a... Mommy

Now I get to award this to seven people who I believe are worthy of the Honest Scrap award:
1) Allie~
2) Ria~
3) Noelle~
4) Chelle~
5) Dawn~
6) Sarah~

Monday, January 12, 2009

Snow is fun!

Yesterday, I took Chase over to my brother's house to play in the snow with my nephews. We had a lot of fun...
We took Chase's excavating equipment (backhoe and front loader) over and had fun digging in the snow with it.

I had decided to make a snow angel, so I laid down on the ground. As I was lying there trying to make my angel, Chase decided he wanted to bury me in the snow. I thought this might be fun and he and my nephews began to pile snow on top of me. All I asked was that they not throw the snow in my face. Everything was going fine for a while and then they started throwing snow on my face and I decided I was done playing that game... however, I was partially buried in the snow, so I had to have my 9 year old nephew help me up out of the snow...there was lots of it too, almost a foot! I'll bet that was a sight to see!

All in all, we had a good time. Chase had a great time frolicking in the snow even though it is nearly a foot deep! It had a slight crust of ice over it, so even if you broke through, your foot never went completely to the ground. He would have had a very difficult time walking if the snow wasn't packing under our feet. Here are a few more pics of the fun he had.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Snowed in...Time to be creative!

Guess what!!! It snowed last night... and this morning, and this afternoon. As a matter of fact, it is still snowing! We probably have about 10 inches out there... it is so pretty... except on the roads!
This picture was taken just after I got up this morning around 9 am. Jake went out around 10:30 to shovel. He has shoveled 3 times today, shoveling approximately 3-4 inches each time! I was supposed to be at work at 1, but the roads were terrible. So I called in and let them know that I wasn't going to be able to get there. The tires on our car aren't too great on snow and I spun the car around twice last winter, so I'm just a little worried about driving on roads this bad now. It never used to bother me until then. Jake had to drive 1/2 a mile to the store to get cigarettes and he got the car stuck in the parking lot at the store. It hadn't been plowed yet. Heck, the roads haven't been plowed much either. The snow has just kept coming down, extremely heavy at times, making t
he roads very difficult to navigate. It is beautiful and pure and I'm just amazed at how something so beautiful can be so dangerous at the same time. Here is another picture of the snow, after some snow had been plowed and shoveled, but it was coming down faster than people can clear it.

And since I'm snowed in, I decided to finally get around to altering my computer case. I used Glitz Rub ons and I think it's pretty... and girly. My brother will be horrified when he sees it. He gave me this PC and he'll just think it's silly that I put girly stuff on it. I didn't do a whole lot, because of the way the case is shaped and where the air vents are, but I think it's neat. Here are a few pics.They
are of the side of the case. It's just clear plexiglass, so I decided it needed to be prettied up a bit. Hope you enjoy!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

12 Wishes for 2009

So, if you ready my post on New Years Eve, about the traditions, you'll understand this, if not, you may be confused, but oh well, it happens to the best of us! Did you make any New Years Resolutions?? I didn't! I never keep them, so I figure why bother.
I did however partake in a few of the traditions, the main one being the 12 grapes and 12 wishes. At about 10 minutes to Midnight I got out my grapes and started making wishes as I ate them 1 by one. Just when Midnight arrived, I made my last wish. I'm not the kind of girl to ask for much, or even "wish" for things, so I had a hard time trying to think about 12 things that I wanted... I just want happiness and healing, and I could only think of one thing that would help me attain that goal, so I wished for another baby. Does it still work if you wish for the same thing 12 times??? Over and over I wished for a baby.
I have wanted more children for a long time now. Chase just turned 4, at the rate we've been going, he'll be 7 or 8 before we have another baby... if we ever do. Since our loss in November, I've had a much darker outlook on life. It changed who I am. I'm still kind, sweet, little, Shannon, but I'm much more pessimistic too. I used to believe anything was possible. Not anymore. At least when it comes to us and our fertility issues. I hope and pray and try to keep my chin up, but the pain has sometimes threatened to overwhelm me. So, I'm hoping that Wishes do Come true!

I scrapped a Layout about my 12 wishes today for the Sassy Blinging Babes Weekly Challenge. I had know idea how emotional it would be for me to create a LO about my wishes. It even brought tears to my eyes a few times during the process.

Friday, January 2, 2009

RAK Giveaway!

Kate Blue is giving away 4 RAKS on her blog. Just go here and check out her blog. Then go to your blog and post a blog telling all your friends where they can win a RAK. After you've done that, go back to Kate's blog and post the link to where she can see that you spread the word about her giveaway. Go check it out!!! She's drawing names Sunday the 4th, so hurry and sign up!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Too quiet!

It's entirely too quiet in my house right now! Chase is sleeping, Jake is playing PS3, and I'm sitting at my desk scrapping. I have music on, but it doesn't keep my mind from wandering. I've scrapped 3 pages today, that's almost a record for me. usually it takes me HOURS to just finish one page. We also went to town to do a little shopping. We got Chase a new winter coat, because he's growing out of his, and Jake used his gift card from his mom. He got a cool new set of Headphones and 2 pairs of jeans. He needed new ones bad! Chase loves his new coat so much that he put it on when he laid down on the couch to take a nap. LOL

Of course, my mind wandering is never a good thing. It often ends in me crying about something or other. I'm a very sensitive person, not to mention that I'm BiPolar... Diagnosed at age 18. I'm sure it would help me to go to Therapy and/or be back on meds, but I hated the way I felt when I was on meds. I haven't taken anything for my depression in almost 9 years, and I really don't want to start again. I've always thought that I could handle it on my own, but it's been so much harder this year than it ever has, and I'm struggling. I just keep praying and hoping thst God will help me through all this. On occasion, I even start to get angry at God, asking why he would let some of these things happen to me. I know that He never gives us more than we can handle, and that during thise times we think he has left us, he's there carrying us. Although it is hard to believe at times.