Friday, February 27, 2009

My Angel Baby

I haven't gotten to sit down and scrapbook much lately, but last night, I finished a layout I started about 2 and 1/2 months ago. Here it is.
This was a very emotional layout, and as just about anyone would imagine, very difficult to scrap.
The poem on the LO reads:

An Angel once lay beneath my heart,
A promise of life to come;
My little babe, was resting there,
Yet would not follow me home

My tiny, precious angel,
Had plans unknown to all.
For my Angel heard the voice of God,
And hastened to his call .

My Angel flew on fragile wings,
Into the Father's arms
To slumber there in peaceful rest,
Untouched by earthly harms.

So slumber there my pecious child,
Till I can come to you.
I'll keep you here, deep in my heart.
Till my journey on earth is through.

I'm still not sure if I'm completely satisfied with the layout, but I'm calling it finished for now at least. I started this page about 2 weeks after my D&C, and it sat unfinished and untouched until last night. I just couldn't come up with what I wanted to do as far as the angel goes. At first I just wanted some type of Angel embellishment to put somewhere on the page along with the poem. Then I decided I wanted angel wings coming from behind the poem, but when I couldn't find anything like I was looking for (either online or in my Local Scrapbook Store) I decided to print the poem on Vellum and put an angel above it. 2 problems with that idea, The first problem being that I didn't have enough room left on the page for something like that, and the second problem being that I could not find an angel picture that I liked. When I did a google image search, I found a whole bunch of Anime angels and Topless angels, and all kinds of other weird angels. I just couldn't find what I wanted! Then I remembered the E-card my mom had sent me the day we found out about the baby. That was where I got the poem too... why hadn't I thought of it before? In it, was a beautiful image of an angel holding a baby. It was just what I had been looking for!
The day my mom had sent me that E-Card, I was so mad at her. (Not to mention how mad I was at God?) I thought it was very insensitive of her and I hated that she sent it to me, how dare she tell me that my baby was in heaven, the very day that I had lost it! I didn't want my baby in Heaven . I wanted my baby inside me, growing and thriving. But for some reason, I never deleted that Ecard from my inbox. I'm sure God knew that someday, I would be glad to have it and that it would be used as a tool to help me in the healing process. I don't know how many times I have gone back and read that poem and cried my eyes out, missing my baby, thinking about all the things I'll never get to share with Him/Her. So, when I went back to read it once again last night, and I didn't cry my eyes out, I knew God had given me enough peace to finally scrapbook this very important part of my life, just like any other memory.

So, when I sat down last night, and decided to finish this LO, again, I racked my brain trying to decide exactly HOW, I wanted to do it. I knew I wanted an Angel in the LO somewhere and then it dawned on me, I could print on Vellum and have the Angel BEHIND the poem. Since I don't have a photo editing program in my computer, (and I don't really know how to use Photoshop very well) I enlisted Jake's help in removing the background from the angel and placing the of poem over top of it. I enjoyed working on this with my hubby. I feel likle it helped us connect a little more. I had been kind of bitter towards him for a while after we lost the baby. I was upset that it wasn't nearly as hard for him to heal after the loss. I had to heal emotionally, AND physically, and I'm still a work in progress, but, I am so thankful that God has given me a loving and supportive husband, who is knows how important this baby is to me and knows how important it is for me to ceate this Tribute. Even more, I'm Thankful that God has given me some peace about the situation.
Thank You Jesus!
Nearly 4 months after our loss, I still miss that baby, and I do still cry. (I've shed more than a few tears just writing this post) But I'm a much better person for it, and a better Christian. I have gone to God in Prayer, and Thanks so much more in the last 4 months than I have in the past 8 years.
Well, Chase is up now, and my train of thought has derailed.
And before I forget to tell you. Thank you for all the prayers you have been praying on our behalf. They are very much appreciated!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Lord please give me strength

It's been a little while since I blogged last. I'm in a sort of depression, and I'm trying so hard to kick it. The last few weeks, I haven't been able to sleep as well as normal. I've been dreaming a lot of weird dreams lately, which is NOT normal for me. Usually, I don't dream, and if, on that rare occasion I do, I don't remember them anyways. The past week though, I have been dreaming some kind of weirdness almost every night.

I've been trying to get some scrapping done. I have been asked to make another baby album as a gift for a friend. I had no idea how hard it would be to scrap a baby's birth, and all the other milestones in a baby's first year. Being that my own loss was just 3 months ago. I'm really struggling with this one. I thought about duplicating some of the LO's I did for the first baby album I made, but the Mom's are cousins and I want each of them to have a book tailored more towards each one of them.

On the subject of babies, I was to the Doctor last Friday to discuss our fertility options. As soon as Aunt Flo makes her visit this month, I have to go back and have an ultrasound to make sure I don't have any ovarian cysts or anything, and I have to have blood work done to check some hormone levels. I will then start Clomid to make me ovulate. After that, hopefully I can come back here in a couple months and tell you I'm pregnant. I'm not holding my breath though. I don't know how much more dissapointment I can handle. I'm so thankful that I have Jesus to get me through. If not for Him, I don't know where I'd be now.

On a random note, I'm getting my hair permed today. I'm excited! I haven't had a perm since right before Chase turned a year old. He's 4 now! My hair is sooo long now (more than halfway down my back) so it should look really nice and not be too curly just because of how heavy my hair is. I'm just getting tired of the straightness of it and I decided it was time for a change.

Please continue to pray for my family and I. Ask God to give me strength to get this album done, and ask him also to give us strength through the ups and downs of the stressfull process of fertilty treatments.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Nearly 3 months later!

As I was emailing a friend last night, I suddenly realized that the day after tomorrow will be 3 months since we got the devastating news that the baby we were so looking forward to, had no heartbeat. I thought I was doing pretty well with getting on with life and looking forward to the future, until that moment! When it dawned on me that yet another annniversary is approaching, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach! My mood instantly fell. I've been kind of depressed lately anyways. I think part of it has to do with this winter seeming so long, but if I get real with myself instead of kidding myself, I realize that I am in no way "over" this.
I go back to the Doctor tomorrow. We are going to talk about the fertility issues and about the chances of conceiving again and carrying to full term. To be honest... as badly as I want to heal and as badly as I want another baby, I am TERRIFIED!!! I'm terrified that I won't get pregnant again. I'm terrified that I will get pregnant again, and I am beyond terrified that something will go wrong again.
I have had a couple friends who have given birth since I lost the baby and a few more who are pregnant now. It's hard to look at them and not miss the baby that I so recently lost. But at the same time, I remember back to when Chase was but a tiny baby, my how he's grown!
No one knows what the future holds, but I sure do hope that my future has me holding yet another baby of my own. I do know that I'm going to keep praying that God's plan for me is similar to the plan I have for myself, and your prayers would be greatly appreciated too!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

It's been a while since the last time I blogged, but there hasn't been much going on. I've been scrappin, as usual but it is taking me what seems like forever to get the projects done. Once I finally finish them, I am happy with them though. I don't absolutely LOVE anything I've done lately, but we all have those days!
No matter how much stuff I have, I always feel like I don't have the right things.. or the one thing that would make the project great! I guess that's probably a pretty common feeling though.
We are getting ready to leave to go to a friend's house to watch the Super Bowl, so I'll try to write again later or in the next few days.
Go Steelers!!!