My Angel Baby

I haven't gotten to sit down and scrapbook much lately, but last night, I finished a layout I started about 2 and 1/2 months ago. Here it is.
This was a very emotional layout, and as just about anyone would imagine, very difficult to scrap.
The poem on the LO reads:

An Angel once lay beneath my heart,
A promise of life to come;
My little babe, was resting there,
Yet would not follow me home

My tiny, precious angel,
Had plans unknown to all.
For my Angel heard the voice of God,
And hastened to his call .

My Angel flew on fragile wings,
Into the Father's arms
To slumber there in peaceful rest,
Untouched by earthly harms.

So slumber there my pecious child,
Till I can come to you.
I'll keep you here, deep in my heart.
Till my journey on earth is through.

I'm still not sure if I'm completely satisfied with the layout, but I'm calling it finished for now at least. I started this page about 2 weeks after my D&C, and it sat unfinished and untouched until last night. I just couldn't come up with what I wanted to do as far as the angel goes. At first I just wanted some type of Angel embellishment to put somewhere on the page along with the poem. Then I decided I wanted angel wings coming from behind the poem, but when I couldn't find anything like I was looking for (either online or in my Local Scrapbook Store) I decided to print the poem on Vellum and put an angel above it. 2 problems with that idea, The first problem being that I didn't have enough room left on the page for something like that, and the second problem being that I could not find an angel picture that I liked. When I did a google image search, I found a whole bunch of Anime angels and Topless angels, and all kinds of other weird angels. I just couldn't find what I wanted! Then I remembered the E-card my mom had sent me the day we found out about the baby. That was where I got the poem too... why hadn't I thought of it before? In it, was a beautiful image of an angel holding a baby. It was just what I had been looking for!
The day my mom had sent me that E-Card, I was so mad at her. (Not to mention how mad I was at God?) I thought it was very insensitive of her and I hated that she sent it to me, how dare she tell me that my baby was in heaven, the very day that I had lost it! I didn't want my baby in Heaven . I wanted my baby inside me, growing and thriving. But for some reason, I never deleted that Ecard from my inbox. I'm sure God knew that someday, I would be glad to have it and that it would be used as a tool to help me in the healing process. I don't know how many times I have gone back and read that poem and cried my eyes out, missing my baby, thinking about all the things I'll never get to share with Him/Her. So, when I went back to read it once again last night, and I didn't cry my eyes out, I knew God had given me enough peace to finally scrapbook this very important part of my life, just like any other memory.

So, when I sat down last night, and decided to finish this LO, again, I racked my brain trying to decide exactly HOW, I wanted to do it. I knew I wanted an Angel in the LO somewhere and then it dawned on me, I could print on Vellum and have the Angel BEHIND the poem. Since I don't have a photo editing program in my computer, (and I don't really know how to use Photoshop very well) I enlisted Jake's help in removing the background from the angel and placing the of poem over top of it. I enjoyed working on this with my hubby. I feel likle it helped us connect a little more. I had been kind of bitter towards him for a while after we lost the baby. I was upset that it wasn't nearly as hard for him to heal after the loss. I had to heal emotionally, AND physically, and I'm still a work in progress, but, I am so thankful that God has given me a loving and supportive husband, who is knows how important this baby is to me and knows how important it is for me to ceate this Tribute. Even more, I'm Thankful that God has given me some peace about the situation.
Thank You Jesus!
Nearly 4 months after our loss, I still miss that baby, and I do still cry. (I've shed more than a few tears just writing this post) But I'm a much better person for it, and a better Christian. I have gone to God in Prayer, and Thanks so much more in the last 4 months than I have in the past 8 years.
Well, Chase is up now, and my train of thought has derailed.
And before I forget to tell you. Thank you for all the prayers you have been praying on our behalf. They are very much appreciated!

Lord please give me strength

It's been a little while since I blogged last. I'm in a sort of depression, and I'm trying so hard to kick it. The last few weeks, I haven't been able to sleep as well as normal. I've been dreaming a lot of weird dreams lately, which is NOT normal for me. Usually, I don't dream, and if, on that rare occasion I do, I don't remember them anyways. The past week though, I have been dreaming some kind of weirdness almost every night.

I've been trying to get some scrapping done. I have been asked to make another baby album as a gift for a friend. I had no idea how hard it would be to scrap a baby's birth, and all the other milestones in a baby's first year. Being that my own loss was just 3 months ago. I'm really struggling with this one. I thought about duplicating some of the LO's I did for the first baby album I made, but the Mom's are cousins and I want each of them to have a book tailored more towards each one of them.

On the subject of babies, I was to the Doctor last Friday to discuss our fertility options. As soon as Aunt Flo makes her visit this month, I have to go back and have an ultrasound to make sure I don't have any ovarian cysts or anything, and I have to have blood work done to check some hormone levels. I will then start Clomid to make me ovulate. After that, hopefully I can come back here in a couple months and tell you I'm pregnant. I'm not holding my breath though. I don't know how much more dissapointment I can handle. I'm so thankful that I have Jesus to get me through. If not for Him, I don't know where I'd be now.

On a random note, I'm getting my hair permed today. I'm excited! I haven't had a perm since right before Chase turned a year old. He's 4 now! My hair is sooo long now (more than halfway down my back) so it should look really nice and not be too curly just because of how heavy my hair is. I'm just getting tired of the straightness of it and I decided it was time for a change.

Please continue to pray for my family and I. Ask God to give me strength to get this album done, and ask him also to give us strength through the ups and downs of the stressfull process of fertilty treatments.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

Nearly 3 months later!

As I was emailing a friend last night, I suddenly realized that the day after tomorrow will be 3 months since we got the devastating news that the baby we were so looking forward to, had no heartbeat. I thought I was doing pretty well with getting on with life and looking forward to the future, until that moment! When it dawned on me that yet another annniversary is approaching, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach! My mood instantly fell. I've been kind of depressed lately anyways. I think part of it has to do with this winter seeming so long, but if I get real with myself instead of kidding myself, I realize that I am in no way "over" this.
I go back to the Doctor tomorrow. We are going to talk about the fertility issues and about the chances of conceiving again and carrying to full term. To be honest... as badly as I want to heal and as badly as I want another baby, I am TERRIFIED!!! I'm terrified that I won't get pregnant again. I'm terrified that I will get pregnant again, and I am beyond terrified that something will go wrong again.
I have had a couple friends who have given birth since I lost the baby and a few more who are pregnant now. It's hard to look at them and not miss the baby that I so recently lost. But at the same time, I remember back to when Chase was but a tiny baby, my how he's grown!
No one knows what the future holds, but I sure do hope that my future has me holding yet another baby of my own. I do know that I'm going to keep praying that God's plan for me is similar to the plan I have for myself, and your prayers would be greatly appreciated too!

It's been a while since the last time I blogged, but there hasn't been much going on. I've been scrappin, as usual but it is taking me what seems like forever to get the projects done. Once I finally finish them, I am happy with them though. I don't absolutely LOVE anything I've done lately, but we all have those days!
No matter how much stuff I have, I always feel like I don't have the right things.. or the one thing that would make the project great! I guess that's probably a pretty common feeling though.
We are getting ready to leave to go to a friend's house to watch the Super Bowl, so I'll try to write again later or in the next few days.
Go Steelers!!!

Many thoughts!

In the last few days, I have been bombarded with thoughts. Many different topics have entered my mind during this time. My faith being the most prominent one. The past few months have been very trying for us as a family, and without God's help, I honestly don't think I would have made it through those times. And I owe a HUGE Thanks to a great friend of mine who has a genuine love for Jesus and is a great witness for Him, who has been talking with me and praying for me. Thank You Candace!
So, I dusted off my bible the other night, after talking to my friend and reading the Blog of someone else who is On Fire for God, and let me tell you, it felt so good to sit and read, and pray and just talk to God. I'm so glad He never gives up on us! I'm especially glad he never gave up on me! When I woke up the next morning, my first though while climbing out of bed was "Thank You Jesus."
I've also been listening to a lot of Contemporary Christian music on this awesome site called Pandoraradio.com. All you have to do is go there sign up which only takes a minute and is FREE! Then you can just type in the name of any artist you want to listen to music from, and they have it all! They then create your own personal station based on the artist you typed in. That station only plays music from that artist and others similar to them. I love it! I have been listening to some music that really tugs at my heart strings, and really makes me think!
I'm far from being a "Good Christian" but I'm trying, and praying and asking God to walk with me and lead me to where he wants me to be. The most difficult part is that my husband is Not a Christian. He shuts down when I try to talk to him about God. He's been hurt a lot in life and he doesn't get how or why if this God we talk about is so great, does he let so many suffer in so many ways. For a while, I too was angry and wondered the same things of God. When I lost the baby, just over 2 months ago, I was angry and hurting in a way I can not even describe, and I wondered what I had done to God to make him put me through this. Although, it is still painful at times, I know God didn't let this happen to hurt me. I think He meant it as a learning experience and maybe a wake up call to bring me back to what I know to be right and true, HIM.
Well, I still have so many thoughts in my head that I cannot possibly put together in a way that would make any sense right now, So, I think I'll go for tonight.

And the award goes to...

My blog got it's first award! Thanks to Candace (http://cestmoicm.blogspot.com) my blog received the Honest Scrap award! Now I have to first write ten honest things about myself and then pass this award on to seven people who I think are honest scrappers.

1) I fall asleep almost every time I start to watch a movie!
2) I hate seafood of all kinds... except tuna!
3) I love to sing and think I'm pretty good, but I have horrible stage fright.
4) I was a contestant in the miss Teen ALF pageant when I was 16.
5) I drink Milk from the jug.
6) I have collected Barbies since I was about 14.
7) I feel things very deeply and cry easily.
8) I take Chase to bed with me if Jake is staying up, so I'm not alone.
9) I despise washing Dishes and they almost always pile up till Jake does them.
10) The only thing I have ever been sure I wanted to be when I grew up is a... Mommy

Now I get to award this to seven people who I believe are worthy of the Honest Scrap award:
1) Allie~ http://alliefortworth.blogspot.com/
2) Ria~ http://mariabrownsblog.blogspot.com/
3) Noelle~ http://noellescraps.blogspot.com/
4) Chelle~ http://blog.jmlamb.net/chelle/
5) Dawn~ http://dawnylovestoscrap.blogspot.com/
6) Sarah~ http://papertree.blogspot.com/
7)Melissa~ http://northernmemories-melissa.blogspot.com/

Snow is fun!

Yesterday, I took Chase over to my brother's house to play in the snow with my nephews. We had a lot of fun...
We took Chase's excavating equipment (backhoe and front loader) over and had fun digging in the snow with it.

I had decided to make a snow angel, so I laid down on the ground. As I was lying there trying to make my angel, Chase decided he wanted to bury me in the snow. I thought this might be fun and he and my nephews began to pile snow on top of me. All I asked was that they not throw the snow in my face. Everything was going fine for a while and then they started throwing snow on my face and I decided I was done playing that game... however, I was partially buried in the snow, so I had to have my 9 year old nephew help me up out of the snow...there was lots of it too, almost a foot! I'll bet that was a sight to see!

All in all, we had a good time. Chase had a great time frolicking in the snow even though it is nearly a foot deep! It had a slight crust of ice over it, so even if you broke through, your foot never went completely to the ground. He would have had a very difficult time walking if the snow wasn't packing under our feet. Here are a few more pics of the fun he had.